How To Survive the Zombie Apocalypse

I may have outgrown my fear of sharks, but I don’t believe i’ll ever organically outgrow my fear of zombies.

However, I am beginning to believe that if a zombie apocalypse did occur, there may be a slight chance of survival.  Using AMC’s “The Walking Dead” as research, I have come to realize that basic SCUBA rules can be applied*

*These rules will not guarantee Zombie Apocalypse survival, but are highly effective in both Scuba Diving and, presumably, Zombie Apocalypse scenarios.

1) Get proper training: There is no zombie hunter certification, but there are some research materials available, such as

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1400049628/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=themerbadve-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=1400049628

NEVER DO ANYTHING OUTSIDE OF YOUR ABILITY. I’m talking about cave diving without proper certification, or using a shotgun! Proper training is required for success.

2) Don’t hold your breath. In scuba, this may mean lung overexpansion. In zombie apocalypse, this may mean someone confusing you with the living dead. Possible injury or death may result.

3) Be in good physical shape. Cardio workouts may insure that you will be able to out run, jump or climb those attempting to feast on your brains.

4) Never go it alone: (ie, the buddy system). While this rule may be changing in the scuba community (please don’t dive alone without proper equipment and training!), I really do believe it for the zombie apocalypse.  The buddy system allows better visual vigilance, and also accountability.

This was a sore point for me in the walking dead.  It drove me nuts how characters would just WALK OFF ON THEIR OWN (looking at you, Carl!) without telling ANYONE where they were going.  This allows for zombies to sneak up on a person,  and if injury or entrapment occurs,  there’s not a lot a single individual can do on their own.  Stick in buddy pairs, let people know where you’re going,and pay attention to your surroundings!

Carl Grimes, if you don’t listen to your mother ONE MORE TIME I swear to god ZOMBIES WILL EAT YOUR FACE.

5) Ascend slowly and with control (for scuba) translated to: GO forth into the unknown slowly and in control.  Just as with uncontrolled ascents in scuba,  shit gets out of control real fast when you are out of control of your person and your environment.  With Zombies (as with scuba) this can be the difference between life and death.  Variables in the situation, ie: a block on the freeway, finding another survivor, or losing ground in a safe haven to the unmentionables need to be reevaulated before further action is taken.  Too many variables causes too many unknown outcomes. Move slowly and with caution always.

6)Relax: Stop Breath Think Act.  We’ve all heard this as scuba divers.  If your first reaction to a zombie apocalypse is to FREAK OUT AND RUN AROUND SCREAMING, chances are you’re dead meat.  and probably, the people who are stopping, breathing, thinking and THEN acting are using you as a decoy to get the hell out of the dangerous situation.

7) Plan your dive and dive your plan.  Diving requires planning for a safe outcome.  If you need to pick up supplies, are traveling to another location, or need to rescue some fellow zombie apocalypse survivors from a close by location,  you can’t just decide to run outside and “go for it”.  Same with a dive, it’s never a good idea to just jump off the boat and go for it, without learning about the location, following a guide, or having previous experience. So make a plan, and stick to it.  I tell people not to reset their compass underwater,  don’t change your plan mid action (unless absolutely, life or death required to).

I hope I have reminded you of scuba law while simultaneously equipping you with the skills to survive a zombiepocalypse.

xxmerbabe

Ps even with all this new knowledge, I still run from my car to the front door at night. zombiesssss

PPS this post is dedicated to my pal Robo Ryan, who has been saving me from zombie attack since 2007.

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11 responses to “How To Survive the Zombie Apocalypse

  1. Unless your buddy is Shane…
    when he didn’t want to die and shot the guy instead and let the zombies go after him whilst running away
    he knew they both couldnt survive
    so whilst going out into pairs make sure you’re with someone you fully trust…

    but who am i kidding?
    there are exceptions to every rule

    • always exceptions to the rule. but for the most part, know the rules before you break em. 🙂
      shane was a man who didn’t play by the rules and look what happened to HIM. (lookin at you CARL)

  2. Excellent work Linz! Definitely my favorite article on your blog (so far). Going to share this with my zombie-loving friends and co-workers.

  3. And yes, Carl definitely needs to get his shit together. He already let one zombie loose, which then wandered off and killed Dale. I predict he will continue to walk off by himself and cause havoc in season 3. Damn you Carl!!!

  4. Hahahaha this post is hilarious! Love it. Keep it up Merbabe!!!!

    P.S. did you know REC 3 is out? its a prequel to REC, the epic spanish zombie movie.

  5. and bootleg mexican dvd’s!!!

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